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             BRANDON MULLER: THE BIOGRAPHY

    FADE IN:

    INT. DELIVERY ROOM - OCT. 1973 - MORNING

    DOCTOR TARR, his assistants, and WILLIAM MULLER
    watch as a very pregnant EILEEN MULLER pushes with
    all her might.

                     DOCTOR TARR
             Push! C’mon, push! Hurry!

    A set of golf clubs sits by the door.

                     DOCTOR TARR
             Oh, forget it. Scalpel, please.

    TIME LAPSE SEQUENCE showing BRANDON MULLER growing
    up in the desert town of Hesperia, California with
    his parents and older sister, JENNIFER. An idyllic
    existence until:

    INT. NBC HEADQUARTERS - AUGUST 1983 - DAY

                     NBC EXECUTIVE #1
             What should we name Punky Brewster’s dog?

                     NBC EXECUTIVE #2
             How about Brandon? Who cares if there’s
             a kid actually named Brandon who’ll
             be subject to endless taunting on the
             playground because he shares his name
             with a popular TV canine?

                     NBC EXECUTIVE #1
             Sounds good to me. By the way,
             congratulations. I hear "Manimal" is
             testing through the roof!

    INT. MULLER’S HOME - EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE ‘80s.

    Brandon plays with his plastic toy TRANSFORMERS,
    providing the "chi-che-cha-chu-cha-che"
    transforming sound himself.

    INT. GYMNASIUM IN HESPERIA - APRIL 1990 - NIGHT

    During an awards ceremony for junior varsity
    basketball, COACH JEFF SMITH walks down the line of
    players, describing the basketball ability of each.

                     COACH SMITH
             Chris Leontas. This guy has a great post
             game. Good footwork.

    He moves on to the next player.

                     COACH SMITH (CONT’D)
             Matt Wilkerson. Tough competitor. Great
             hustle. Always dives for the loose ball.

    Coach comes to the 12th and final member of the
    team.

                     COACH SMITH (CONT’D)
             Brandon Muller.
                 (long uncomfortable pause)
             Boy, can this guy tell some stories!

    TIME LAPSE SEQUENCE of different colored tassels
    hanging from a rear view mirror representing
    graduation from high school, community college, and
    a 4-year community college (UNLV).

    INT. THE MULLER'S HOME - SUMMER 1995 - DAY

                     WILLIAM
             You have a degree and yet you still live
             at home. When are you gonna grow up?

                     BRANDON
             chi-che-cha-chu-cha-che

                     WILLIAM
             Put down that stupid robot truck.

                     BRANDON
             Consider this the break from school I
             never took. It’s not like my degree comes
             with an expiration date on it.

                                       FAST FORWARD TO:

    INT. FANCY ADVERTISING AGENCY - SUMMER 1997 - DAY

                     INTERVIEWER
             We only hire people straight out of
             college.

                                        QUICK IMAGE OF:

    An INSCRIPTION on a TOMBSTONE: "BA IN
    COMMUNICATIONS. 1995-1995."

                     BRANDON
                 (weeping)
             Oh, my Bachelor of Arts. I hardly knew ye.

    INT. GARAGE IN VEGAS - FALL 1997 - DAY

    Brandon beats unrhythmically on a drum kit. JESSE
    WINSLOW makes sweet guitar solo love on his axe.

    No one else is in the room.

                     BRANDON
             We’re going to be the biggest band ever!

                     JESSE
             We’ll be more popular than John Lennon!

    In the corner sits a lonely microphone stand.

                                                CUT TO:

    A sixteen day MONTAGE of the 1,849 wannabe singers
    "Metal Janitors" auditioned.

    INT. GARAGE - JANUARY 2000 - DAY

                     BRANDON
             We’re going to be the biggest band ever!

    In the corner sits a lonely microphone stand.

    No one else is in the room.

                     BRANDON (CONT’D)
             Oh, pooty butts.

    Brandon flubs a rim shot attempt.

    INT. COFFEE SHOP IN LAS VEGAS - MARCH 2000 - NIGHT

    Brandon’s first improv troupe "The Impros" performs
    for ten people.

                     BRANDON
             May I have a suggestion of a job?

                     MALE IN AUDIENCE
             Porn Star!

                     FEMALE IN AUDIENCE
             Gynecologist!

    INT. DIFFERENT COFFEE SHOP - JUNE 2001 - NIGHT

    Brandon’s 2nd improv troupe "The Spaghetti Bowl"
    performs for less than ten people.

                     BRANDON
             What’s something that’s in your garage?

                     EIGHT-YEAR-OLD BOY
             Porn Star!

                     OLD LADY IN THE AUDIENCE
             Gynecologist!

    INT. SAME DIFFERENT COFFEE SHOP - AUG. 2002 - NIGHT

    Brandon’s 12th improv troupe "No Apologies"
    outnumbers the audience.

                     BRANDON
             I need a non-sexual suggestion, please.

                     HOMELESS MAN
             A non-sexual Porn Star meets a
             Gynecologist!

    INT. BOURBON STREET HOTEL - MAY 2003 - NIGHT

    Brandon’s quadrillionth improv troupe "Mandatory
    Friends" makes the big time! Inside an actual
    hotel/casino just off the fabulous Las Vegas Strip!

                     BRANDON
             Can we get any suggestion at all?

    Empty showroom. A slot machine chirps.

                     BRANDON (CONT’D)
             OK, we’ll go with Porn Gynecologist Star.

    INT. BRANDON’S BEDROOM - DECEMBER 2003 - NIGHT

    Brandon stands in front of a mirror holding a beard
    trimmer as if it is a microphone.

                     BRANDON
             So...uh...what’s up with people’s
             biographies these days? They sure
             are long, huh?

    He acknowledges and enjoys the imaginary laughter.

                     BRANDON (CONT’D)
             So, who here hates Punky Brewster?

    INT. GREEK ISLES HOTEL/CASINO - MAY 2004 - NIGHT

    Brandon debuts at "Sandy Hackett’s Comedy Club."

                     SANDY HACKETT
             Please welcome, Brandon Muller!

    Polite applause.

                     BRANDON
             So...um...heh...uh...
                 (shuffles his feet)

                     MALE IN AUDIENCE
             Tell a joke already.

    Brandon wipes his brow and clears his throat.

                     PORN STAR
             Get off the stage!

                     BRANDON
             Uh...I...um...

                     WILLIAM MULLER
             Too bad you killed off your degree!

    Brandon squints to see into the crowd.

                     COACH SMITH
             This is more awkward than watching you
             shoot a left hand layup.

                     DOCTOR TARR
             Hurry up!

                     GYNECOLOGIST
             What’s in his hands?

                     BRANDON
             chi-che-cha-chu-cha-che

    The audience roars with approval, confetti falls,
    exotic women fawn, the Dow Jones rises, hungry
    children eat, Israelis and Palestinians hug, Santa
    Claus exists, and the Universe itself chortles and
    slaps its knee.

                                              FADE OUT.